my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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