Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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