Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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