I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby