I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Randomize
