My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?