i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man