seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm always down for nudity.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
