Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hippo gnu deer
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I believe in your delicious