I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
