I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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