Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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