Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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