Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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