What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I cockslap morals
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
