I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
