1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
