my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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