This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
