I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
