Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
