He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
