Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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