So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
His hands were made for my vagina.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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