woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
sarcasm needs its own font
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
