I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
