Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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