Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
