A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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