there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
