I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
