He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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