I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
