haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
