walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
