yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
