you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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