thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Ladies don't puke and tell
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
