Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
