he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
