How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
