i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
