if you like me you must not know who I am
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
