he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
