It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
