I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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