Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
