My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's like iHOP with fire
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
