apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize