Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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