Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
there is puke in my bra ... again
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