I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.