wakey wakey hands off snakey
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
