Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
