i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
