1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
