I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
