speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
