Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
