I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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