he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Im part way to drunk.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
