went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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