fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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