Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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